


Loving You Is a Losing Game

by Winged_Fool



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Background Alien Shenanigans, Dark, Emotional Manipulation, M/M, Possessive Behavior, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 10:15:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18914902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winged_Fool/pseuds/Winged_Fool
Summary: Alex returns from war jaded, angry, and vibrating with the need to make Michael Guerin hisPlease heed the tags





	Loving You Is a Losing Game

**Author's Note:**

> I love how soft and tender Malex is in canon, but I've spent too much time in darker fandoms that this had to be written.
> 
> Also, the title comes from this year's Eurovision winning song because I've accepted this is who I am as a person

Michael is barreling back to Foster’s Homestead Ranch after his confrontation with Max at the police station. He’s filled with fear and anger, but anger ends up winning out when he pulls into the Ranch and it’s swarmed with Airmen. He exchanges heated words with the owner and finds out his home has been sold. Then he notices one of the Airmen is snooping around his trailer. “Hey, that’s private property!” Michael calls running to confront him.  

The Airman turns toward Michael and he freezes for a moment before recovering. “Alex. Back from Baghdad. Your father must be proud.” He notes that Alex looks pleased to see him, so he continues, “Didn’t expect to see you hanging around my trailer, if you were so desperate to see me, I would have been happy to give you the tour.” 

Alex smirks back at Michael, refusing to rise to his bait. “What are you doing in this trailer? Sure as hell doesn’t look legal.”  

“A little weed.  _A lot of_  casual sex. Oh, and covert plans to violently overthrow the government,” Michael leans into Alex’s space and drops his voice, “but if I’d known you were back in town, I would have made room for you in my rotation.”  

“Oh?” Alex’s smirk widens, “Don’t pretend, Guerin. I saw you trying to hide at my parade, but you’ve never been able to hide from me.” Michael looks wrongfooted for a moment. That tone was one Alex only used when they were hooking up, so Alex takes the opportunity to grab Michael’s damaged hand and stroke his thumb across the mangled skin. Alex chuckles darkly, “What’s wrong, Guerin? Your clever tongue has nothing to say?”  

Michael looks over to where Master Sergeant Manes and the other soldiers were talking, “Well, you’ve certainly gotten bold, Alex.”  

“I left nice back in the Middle East.” Alex returns lightly.  

That breaks Michael out of his reverie and he roughly pulls his hand back, “Well I was never nice.” Michael snipes back and as if to prove it he continues, “Quick Alex, run and tell your daddy.” He nods toward Jesse before entering his Airstream and slamming the door shut in Alex’s face.  

***  

They don’t see each other again until the reunion and they exchange more biting words before Michael heads off with his arm around a girl from their graduating class. Michael doesn’t look back but knows Alex is watching them carefully. Throughout the rest of the night, Michael is hyperaware of where Alex is at all times. Towards the end of the night, he loses track of where Alex is and he makes some excuse to the girl and pulls her off him so he can go looking for Alex. He finds him in the empty side room where the slideshow is being projected. He leans on the doorframe for a bit until an old picture of Alex looking carefree skateboarding is projected and he calls out, “Nostalgia’s a bitch, huh?”  

Alex straightens up and turns to face Michael, but doesn’t look surprised to see him. “I thought when I got back from Iraq, you’d be long gone.”  

Michael approaches Alex, “Is that what you want?”  

Alex hums, “I used to think what I wanted didn’t matter.”  

Michael reaches Alex and rubs a hand down Alex’s arm, “And now?”  

“I lost more than my niceness in the Iraqi desert,” Alex says and reaches down to his right leg and knocks on the metal prosthetic there.  

Michael had heard about Alex’s leg being amputated, but hearing about it and being confronted with it were two separate things. He offers his left hand to Alex, “Two peas in a pod, huh?”  

“Mm, we always were,” Alex said as he took Michael’s hand. “Two broken kids were never going to make it through without scars.” A shiver runs down Michael’s spine. “When I was in the hospital after the IED, I promised myself if I made it back to Roswell, I’d take what was mine.”  

Michael licks his lips, “Sounds like big talk, you planning to follow through with that promise?”  

Alex flashes a smile and pulls Michael in and kisses him squarely on the lips. He runs his fingers through Michael’s curls and pulls his body flush against his, deepening the kiss. There are some voices that sound like they are approaching the room they’re in and Michael makes a move to pull away, but Alex holds him in place refusing to let go. The voices pass the room before Alex releases him, “I told you, Guerin. I’m claiming what’s mine.”  

A flare of heat courses through his veins, “Prove it, Manes.”  

Alex steps back and cocks his head, eyeing Michael for a moment, then his shoulders relax and cups a hand on Michael’s cheek, “Oh, don’t worry, Michael, I will.”  

***  

Michael is packing up his sparse belongings when he hears Alex’s jeep enter the ranch and come to a stop. He comes over with his slightly uneven gait and crutch on the gravel as the only noise. “Where are you going to go?” He asks when he reaches Michael.  

“Tennessee,” Michael says to get a rise out of him. He looks at Alex over his shoulder and he looks crushed. “Oh Alex, are you going to miss me?”  

“Shut up, Guerin.” Alex bites back.  

Michael finally turns to give Alex his full attention, “Don’t worry, I’m not actually going anywhere. You still have time to make good on your promise.”   

Alex rolls his eyes, “So noble of you.”  

Michael leans against his truck and watches Alex for a moment, “You here for business or pleasure?”   

He takes a step closer to Michael, “I’m here for you.”  

“Pleasure then.” Michael winks.   

Alex smiles and puts his hands against Michael’s truck next to his waist, bracketing him against the truck. “I’ve missed having your gaze following me everywhere. I hate it when you look away.”  

Michael chuckles, “I never look away. Not really.”  

That answer apparently pleases Alex and he leans in and gives Michael a peck. Then he pulls away from Michael and begins making his way to the Airstream. Michael catches his hand, “What are you doing?” Alex shakes off Michael’s hand and continues toward the trailer, and Michael follows him in understanding.  

Later, when they’re tangled up with each other, Alex gives Michael a bruising kiss then kisses a line down his chest to his navel. He stops, grabs Michael roughly, and looks up at him with hooded eyes, “You’re mine, Michael Guerin.”  

Michael nods and tries to get Alex to move, to do something. Alex twists his hand viciously and growls, “Say it.” Michael shuts his eyes and squirms as Alex continues to touch him teasingly. “Say you’re mine, Michael.”  

Michael whimpers softly and finally chokes out, “I can’t.” Even if they both know it’s true, it’s the only thing Michael has had control of, his agency, and he just couldn’t yield that to Alex. Alex’s motions have stopped and Michael opens his eyes slowly expecting to see Alex angry.  

Instead, he has a small smile on his face and is looking at Michael like he’s a challenge. He surges up and kisses Michael open-mouthed, his hand still firmly grabbing him. He leans out a little so that when he speaks his lips brush against Michael’s, “You will. Maybe not tonight, but you will.” Then he continues his attentions and proceeds to take Michael apart. It’s rough and punishing, but he still makes it good for Michael. They fall asleep tightly gripping at each other.  

***  

A few weeks pass, and they continue to fall into bed with each other, but Alex rarely spends the entire night with Michael. He always has to be on base early so Michael wakes up with the bed long cold and he stares at the roof of his trailer, angry that Alex has to leave him. He thought maybe it was selfish to want Alex’s attention all the time, but Michael never called himself altruistic. 

Finally, one morning, Michael awakens to kisses on his chest and he blinks awake to see Alex lying beside him. “You’re awake.” Alex murmurs. 

Michael gives a hopeful smile, “You stayed.” Alex hums and closes his eyes. Michael strokes all over Alex’s body and then reaches down to where his leg ends. He gently massages the damaged tissue and Alex lets out a groan. Michael spends much of their time in bed worshiping Alex’s leg, to remind him that it changes nothing, trying to tell Alex he didn’t care about it.  

“I don’t have work today and I wanted to make sure you woke up the way you deserve.” Alex finally says, snaking a hand down between Michael’s legs, and begins to lazily stroke him. He quickens his pace and Michael tightly grips at Alex’s arms. He loses it when Alex begins to whisper praise onto him, “You’re so beautiful like this, Michael. So good. I want to give you everything.” 

It pushes Michael over the edge and he finds his release in Alex’s hand. They lay together quietly for a few moments before it’s interrupted by a car entering the junkyard and Isobel calling out that she has bagels.  

Before Michael can move to get dressed, Alex reaches over and smears the mess across Michael’s chest with a wicked grin then hands him his shirt, “So you don’t forget my little gift this morning,” he whispers then proceeds to get his sock on, slip on the prosthetic, and then put the rest of his clothes back on. 

Isobel knocks on the trailer door and Alex strides over to open it, “Good morning!” He greets cheerfully. 

Michael is still sitting in the bed, dressed, but in shock at Alex’s audacity. He laughs in disbelief but goes to the front to also greet Isobel. 

“I didn’t think you’d have company,” Isobel says when she gets over her shock and she’s sitting at the little dinette in the trailer, “I didn’t bring enough bagels for everyone.” 

“That’s okay. I’m not staying long.” Alex says, leaning against Michael’s chest. 

His heart sinks, “I thought you didn’t have work today.” 

Alex turns to face him, “I don’t, but I thought I’d give you some privacy. Besides,” he places his hand over Michael’s shirt where he’d wiped his hand earlier, “I’ll see you at the drive-in tonight.” 

Michael feels dazed for a moment, then he nods. Alex smiles and kisses him deeply. “It was nice seeing you, Isobel,” he calls on his way out. 

“Well, that was...weird,” Isobel observes after they’re left alone. 

“What?” Michael asks defensively and snags one of the bagels. 

She gestures to where they were just standing, “I don’t know, you and Alex. The way you were acting around each other.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Michael says, even though he’s known for a while that what Alex and Michael have been doing together wasn’t how other relationships worked. 

“Okay well, how long have you been together?” Isobel questions. 

“I don’t know, sometime after the reunion.”  

“And I’m just finding out, and by accident?”  

“Alex never does anything by accident. He might not have known you were coming here, but he wouldn’t have opened the door if he didn’t want you to know.” 

“That was also weird though. Why is he answering the door for you?” Isobel narrows her eyes and studies Michael for a moment. “It just doesn’t seem healthy.” 

“Jesus Is, did you come here for a reason or did you just want to tear my relationship apart?” 

Isobel doesn’t look like she’s ready to drop it but instead of continuing to grill him, she says, “Fine. Just be smart, Michael.”  

He scoffs. Like he ever knew how to be smart when it came to Alex. 

***  

Michael goes to the drive-in early to help Isobel repair the projector, and stands around awkwardly waiting for Alex. He feels foolish as more and more Airmen begin to arrive, but then Alex finally shows up with his sixer. He’s secretly pleased that Alex is so willing to show their relationship off in public. Sometime during the middle of the movie, Alex disappears to get them some concessions. He’s gone for a while and then he hears Alex’s commanding voice. 

Michael looks over and sees Jesse leaning in to tell Alex something, he glances over at Michael and Alex also turns to look at him briefly before turning his attention back to his father. A few minutes pass and then Alex returns and joins Michael back on the flatbed, snaking an arm around Michael's waist. Michael leans into the touch.  

“What did Isobel say after I left?” Alex asks.  

“Oh…” Michael trails off, unsure how to tell him and a bit thrown off that’s what Alex would ask after talking to his father. 

“What?” he asks more sharply.  

“She thought we were acting a little off. She doesn't think our relationship is healthy.” Michael admits quietly, feeling shame flare in his gut.  

“And what did you tell her?” 

“I told her to drop it, but...” 

“But what?” 

“I don't know, maybe she has a point.” 

Alex's grip tightens around Michael like a vice, “I'm putting my reputation on the line for you, Guerin, and you don't even have the decency to defend us to your sister?” he hisses.  

Michael’s heart sinks and he hates that he’s offended Alex. He opens his mouth to apologize but then shuts it. Was a relationship supposed to be like this? This constant giving and taking, fear of disappointing his partner, of having to prove he’s worthy? But he’s never been in a relationship before and being with Alex makes him feel wanted, so he does mumble out an apology. 

“Do you know what my dad was just telling me? That you’re arrested once a week for gambling and bar fighting. I told him that I didn’t care, and I don’t. He took me away from you once and he won’t do it again. But you’ll let Isobel get in your head about this?” 

Michael looks shame-faced, and this feels like some kind of test, maybe even a punishment for being unwilling to bend to Alex. “She’s my sister, I’m not afraid of her, and her opinion matters to me.” 

“But mine doesn’t?” 

“It doesn’t have to be one or the other, Alex,” Michael says quietly. 

Alex savagely pulls his arm away from Michael. “That’s not with this is about, Guerin. If you’re going to let her get into your head, then maybe you don’t know what you want.” He slides off the flatbed, “Come find me when you’ve figured it out.” 

*** 

Michael lasts about a week before he goes looking for Alex. He begs Alex for forgiveness and with tears in his eyes, he promises that this is what he wants, what he’s wanted since they were seventeen, and he was wrong to listen to Isobel. Alex wraps him into a hug and thanks him for his sincerity and accepts his apology, laying kissing into Michael’s curls as he clutches tightly at Alex. 

Something changes between them, with Michael ceding more and more of himself to Alex, and Alex lavishing his love and praise onto Michael. They see each other often and their meetings are heated and always tinged with mind games. Alex won’t let Michael find his release until he’s shed something for him – “ _I’m afraid Is and Max will realize they don’t need me around and leave me behind.” “I used to read the obituaries because I was_ _afraid_ _you’d die halfway across the world.” “I hate that I didn’t get out of Roswell when UNM gave me the chance.”_ – but he still won’t yield himself to Alex. “You’re mine, Michael.” Alex whispers into his skin, worshipping, only more determined to make Michael say the words.  

It leaves Michael overwhelmed and feeling like he’s drowning. He wants more, everything Alex will give him and more. But Alex won’t give it all until Michael submits. It makes Michael want to hurt him back and make him feel as helpless as Michael has been feeling. So, when he ends up in Texas with Max, Liz, and Maria, he decides sleeping with Maria will twist the knife the deepest into Alex’s heart. He also hopes that this will help feel more like himself again. 

After he’s returned to the junkyard and he sees Alex’s jeep enter, he drops Maria’s necklace into his boot. He goes to greet Alex and feigns surprise when he pulls out the necklace.  

“That’s Maria’s.” Alex falters for a moment then approaches Michael more guarded.  

“Mm, guess it is. I better hold on to it. I’m sure she knows it’s with me.” Michael smirks.  

“Oh, Michael.” Alex smiles and puts his hand on Michael’s cheek, “That’s cute. Were you hoping this would give you the upper hand? It’s going to take a lot more than that.” He strokes Michael’s cheek slowly. “You’ve already promised me that this is what you want, and I’m not going to let you go that easily, now.” Then he leans in and whispers lowly into Michael’s ear, “Plus, I just found out something  _very interesting_  about you, Max, and Isobel.”  

Michael freezes and drops the necklace as his heart stops for a moment. Alex reaches down and puts the necklace in his pocket. “I’ll hold onto this and give it back to her when I see her.” He leans back in and whispers, “But don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.” He regards Michael for a moment then slowly smiles, “Now, why don’t you tell me everything?”  

They sit outside and Michael sheds more of himself for Alex Manes. He’d been giving so much up to Alex the past few weeks, it wasn’t as hard as he thought it would be finally telling him all about his other-worldliness.   

“I have more to show you,” Michael says and gestures to his trailer, moves it aside effortlessly with his telekinesis, and helps Alex down to his bunker. He shows his deepest secrets to Alex who takes it all in quietly. They’ve made it to the spaceship and Michael explains how it works and what he’s missing to make it function properly.  

Alex snaps his eyes over to Michael, “You’re trying to leave. The planet.” The air is tense for a moment before Michael jerks his head in agreement.  

He watches Michael for a bit longer, the tension continuing to hang over them then Alex hums softly. “Come on, there’s something I have to show you now, but it’s back at my place.” They climb back up to the surface then into Alex’s jeep. Throughout the ride, Alex keeps Michael’s damaged hand in his, softly stroking the raw skin.  

When they arrive at the cabin, Alex sits him down on the couch and comes back with a backpack, “I’m giving this to you because I trust you.” Alex says as he hands the bag to Michael and sits in a chair opposite of him.  

He takes the alien glass out of the bag and stares back at Alex with wide eyes, “Where did you get this?”  

“Jim Valenti hid it in the walls and I found it,” Alex replies calmly, leaning back in his seat, “Finish your spaceship, but don’t you dare leave without me.”  

Michael nods and clutches at the glass. Idly, he realizes this is the first time he’s been to Alex’s place.  

***  

Michael finds out that Alex has been working with Valenti on trying to make sense of the files their fathers have gathered on the 1947 UFO crash. It makes something unpleasant twist in Michael knowing that Alex has been spending so much time with Valenti, so when Alex comes to him a few weeks later proposing an alien road trip, he jumps at the invitation so he won’t be alone with Kyle. They get to Caulfield and something about the place feels wrong, but he shakes the feeling off and they enter the prison to look for anything that might give them answers.  

They split up when Alex detects someone heading their way and it’s only the aggressive and commanding way Alex tells Michael to go that he listens and heads off with Kyle. He’s not interested in spending alone time with Kyle, but he follows closely behind Michael anyway. They stumble into a vast room filled with prisoners, and Michael knows in his bones that they’re like him. One of them looks surprised to see Michael and stands near her glass staring at him in utter shock. Michael’s heart hurts for a moment, he knows her, he doesn’t know how, but he does. An animalistic instinct takes over him and he grabs a fire extinguisher and tries to break her out of her prison.  

Michael feels like his heart is being ripped out his chest as he tries desperately to save this stranger that seems so familiar to him. The alarm going off is just a minor distraction and he continues to strike the fire extinguisher against the glass. Suddenly he hears Alex calling out to him, “Guerin! Come on, we have to go!”  

Michael stops for a minute and tries to frantically convey his desperation to Alex, “I have to get through.”  

“The alarm is not a suggestion! Okay? Nothing gets out alive.” Alex begs Michael. He thinks viciously that Alex only cares because he’s worked so hard to break Michael down for him, and he would hate losing a challenge like this.  

“They’re my family, Alex!” He says instead, still trying to hurt Alex and resumes hitting the glass.  

He looks panic-stricken and glances wildly between the woman behind the glass and Michael. “All right, maybe! But you are mine!” Alex yells back.  

Michael turns and sees the truth written on his face. He pauses for a moment and knows in his heart that it’s true. That everything they’ve been doing was Alex’s way of showing his love. It was more than just trying to own him, but he wasn’t ready to accept it, “What? No. You got to go, Alex. I don’t love you! I don’t! We’ve been holding onto this thing and it’s gotten us nowhere. Just let go.”  

Tears well up in Alex’s eyes and he accuses Michael thickly, “You’re a miserable liar.”  

Something distracts Michael from Alex and he turns to look back at the woman. She has her hand on the glass and its glow is inviting. He places his hand against hers and is suddenly overwhelmed by her love – how love _should_ be – and he realizes why he knows her. He wants to ask her everything, but she pushes it aside and urges him to run.  

He startles out of the connection and turns to Alex, “She’s my m...”  

“Your mother?” Alex guesses. Michael nods weakly. “Did she speak? Did she say anything?” 

“No, but she said she loves me. And to run.” They both look back at the woman who looks defeated and scared. Michael grabs Alex’s arm and they run out together. On the drive back to Roswell, Michael lays his head on Alex’s lap and he cards his fingers through Michael’s curls, trying to give him some peace back.  

***  

After the near-death experience at Max’s, Michael rushes back to his trailer to change and try to figure out where to go next. His heart feels splintered, the pain of finding and losing his mother within the span of an hour, Alex’s dark and consuming love, Max pulling the gun on Michael, and waking up from death alone all contributed to its cracking. He enters his Airstream and quickly discards his shirt and pulls on another one when he hears someone move in his trailer. He spins around and sees Alex getting up from the bed, “What happened?”  

“I’m fine. It’s not my blood.” Michael lies, not wanting to disappoint Alex. “What are you doing here?”  

“I wanted to make sure you were okay after everything that happened at Caulfield,” Alex replies. 

“Alex, it’s a really bad time,” Michael says firmly.  

“I’ll be quick. I need to say this before I lose my nerve.” He waits until Michael lets out a deep breath then nods his assent, “Look, I shouldn’t have left you behind when I enlisted. I could stand here and tell you that I didn’t want to leave, but I did. After what my dad did you, I just wanted to be the kind of person who won battles. It felt good, and it’s what gave me the courage to come back here for you. To reclaim the scars he left on both of us,” Alex reaches for Michael’s hand and lays a gentle kiss on the damaged skin. “War changed me, Michael, but it helped me come back to Roswell, to you.”  

Michael sucks in a shuddering breath. It’s the most honest Alex has been with Michael since they restarted this thing. He wants to pay that honesty back in kind. He smiles and leans in toward Alex when suddenly a splitting pain cracks across his skull and he sees Noah smugly staring back at him and Isobel’s lifeless body on the ground. “I have to go.” He tells Alex. “I have to go. I have to go.”  

Alex seems to understand and he nods once, but selfishly grabs Michael’s shirt and pulls him towards him. “Be careful, Guerin. You better not die out there.” Alex says and roughly kisses Michael.  

He nods frantically and pushes away from Alex and calls over his shoulder as he runs out of the Airstream, “Come back tomorrow. We can talk then.”  

***  

After the confrontation with Noah, Max grabs Michael’s hand telling him it was time to stop looking back and start looking forward. He’s drunk off the power he has at the moment and feels like a god and that Michael would thank him for healing him. But Michael remembers all the times that Alex has worshiped the scars on his hand and how angry he would be if they were gone and he roughly grabs his hand back and blasts Max off him. Max is laying on the ground and laughs weakly, “I guess I deserved that.” The three of them sit there for a while, trying to figure out what they should do now. They talk quietly amongst themselves and Michael knows that they’re both worried about him and his relationship with Alex, especially after he admits all the difficult things they’ve been through together, but Michael doesn’t need to defend himself to them.   

Later, Michael drives around for a couple of hours, feeling lost. He contemplates going to the Wild Pony, to Maria. She is easier to be around than Alex, there aren't any mind games with her, and he doesn’t feel like he’s drowning in passion with her. She would let him love her too, he knows. He wouldn’t have to give himself up for her affection. He wasn't lying when he told Is and Max that Alex was all tangled up in these terrible memories in his life and he thinks maybe there was some truth in Max’s words about moving forward.  

But despite all the sharp edges that come with their relationship, Michael feels _safe_ with Alex. Affection was doled out like a reward, but it was never denied like a punishment. It worked better when Michael gave himself up to Alex, but it still worked when he kept parts of himself locked away. In the end, it was never going to be a choice between easy and free against Alex Manes. It would always be him.  

Alex stands up from where he was waiting as soon as Michael pulls into the junkyard. “You’ve been waiting here all day, Manes? That's a little much isn’t it?” Michael says as he gets out of his truck.  

Alex meets Michael halfway and puts a possessive hand behind Michael's neck, “Nothing is too much for you, Guerin,” Alex flashes him a dangerous smile, “but if you would have kept me waiting any longer, I might have had to hunt you down.”  

Michael’s eyes flutter close and he takes a deep breath, “I thought about going to Maria.”  

Alex’s grip tightens around Michael’s neck and he shakes it lightly forcing Michael to open his eyes and look into Alex’s angry ones. “Well, why didn’t you?”  

“Because I know you were waiting for me.”  

Alex pulls Michael closer and cups his face with his other hand, “Don’t lie to me. Why did you come here instead?”  

Michael stares defiantly back at Alex for a few tense moments before looking down submissively and mumbling something.  

Alex jerks his head back up, “I didn’t hear you.”  

He takes a deep breath and then looks Alex straight in the eyes, “Because I’m yours.”  

Alex’s lips curve into a vicious smile before pulling Michael into a deep possessive kiss. It’s full of heat and passion, but mostly it feels like Alex is rewarding him for finally giving in, so Michael lets himself be dominated. It feels like he’s finally come home.  


End file.
